Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?