I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Google reviews are always so mixed..
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Labreador
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
called in thicc to work this morning
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Planet of the Apps.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce