Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
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Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit