There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
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It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
This week’s mood.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial