In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something