Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
That’s no pocket rocket.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.