Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
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I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Meow
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus