The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
absolute chaos
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you