“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
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An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
i choose….tongue
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.