Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
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Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.