[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
decorating my apartment
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.