[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
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Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Wait a second…
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.