Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
#parenting
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills