Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
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Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet