West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Not all heroes wear capes…
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool