That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
early stone age tool
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
even bears disappoint their mothers
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right