[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
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Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.