Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
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Received some very disappointing news today
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
set yourself free xox
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha