Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth