Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
S/o to @funTweeters .
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act