Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
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HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
next level snooze
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.