[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
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It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*