“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
The human personality is made of five key elements
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star