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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.