When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.