Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
This is true.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
shut up and take my money
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Watson was Holmes schooled
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”