“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
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I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The 4 stages of a family vacation
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti