Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
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Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.