7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat