if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
You Might Also Like
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.