You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Love it! 👍😂
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.