I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
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My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus