Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
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remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
🚲+physics = winner
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Baller is short for ballerina
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”