People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.