[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
You Might Also Like
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Finally!
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy