Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director