It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive