no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
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Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.