Alexa; make it look like an accident
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Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
m’lady
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.