Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
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How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Peace was never an option
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.