i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Best table by far
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”