Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.