[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Y’all ready for this
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float