First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
You Might Also Like
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
choose your fighter
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.