This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Spam popsicles.
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