Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
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I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
🤣🤣🤣