Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I found your tweet-up…
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Netflix: We have Less
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.