I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
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3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: