*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
The government even made aliens boring
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200