During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.